We tend to operate under the assumption that the way we see the world, the way we perceive it, is the only correct reality. This bedrock of individual certainty gives rise to a universal paradox: the belief that anybody who is different is, by definition, wrong.
This notion seems particularly prevalent in communities where various worldviews collide. A large number of people define life by rigid, aesthetic standards: we must all live in nice homes; we are all clean and neat and well-vaccinated; our children attend the right schools; we dress correctly; we listen only to pop music; and we’ll all take up pickleball when we get old—all sorts of absolute nonsense. This conformity dictates that all who step outside this prescribed narrow lane are somehow defective.
The Clashing Realities
Yet, reality is messy and stubborn. Consider the character who defies this neat order: the guy whose house is always anchored by two or three cars out front. He wears his cowboy hat and a sleeveless vest, is badly shaven, and sports the scruffiest 1970s mustache you ever saw. This man lives his life exactly like this, not to make a statement, but because as far as he is concerned, he is an absolute reality. He is his own normal.
Contrast him with Old Missus Jeans, who possesses an unshakeable, biblically-based certainty. She believes, passionately, that the second coming is imminent, and that border crossers, transsexuals, and LGBTQ people are fundamentally wrong. Her pastor has confirmed these beliefs, solidifying her exclusive moral framework.
Five blocks away, you find the transsexual person who views their life as completely normal. Within their circle, they are accepted. The "weirdos" are the few who don't accept them. They, too, are judging the bureau, maintaining their own island of what is correct.
Every person, regardless of their position on the social spectrum—whether conforming, defying, or seeking acceptance—has a different idea of what life is like. While holding a specific view is fine, the problem arises when they believe that everyone else's differing view is wrong. Even those who feel discriminated against participate in this universal cycle of judging others by their opinions.
The Crucial Boundary of Intolerance
This entire landscape of universal judgment is the definition of intolerance.
We often apply this intolerance to people on the margins: the individual with a home that is not decently cleaned because life has never been easy and picking up things off the floor is a monumental task. They are judged as lazy, drug addicted, or alcoholics. But here the narrative makes a crucial, compassionate distinction.
The reality is that you can meet alcoholics who are truly nice people, even though they have damaged their own health; you can meet drug addicts for whom you have more respect than certain outwardly 'respectable' people. The lesson is that we must distinguish between the good and the bad, but we should only be intolerant of the bad things that people do specifically to others.
The bad things people do to themselves—their addiction, their unconventional lifestyle, their chosen isolation—must be governed by a different rule: it's their selves. It is none of your business. Mind your own concerns, leave them alone.
Tolerance, in this light, is not passive acceptance; it is the active maintenance of personal boundaries. It requires a radical step: Can you ever step out of your own shoes and feel what it's like to be that guy who is living under a bridge, not because he is a failure, but because it takes away some of the pain of dealing with other people?
Whether it is sleeping in an old cabin in the bush or existing under a concrete arch, the choice of living a life that is uncomfortable to others is ultimately their story. It is not our life, and we are not going to endure their suffering. Our duty is not to judge, but to recognize that their path, however scruffy or painful, is their own absolute reality.
Conclusion
Ultimately, true tolerance requires us to reserve judgment for acts of harm directed at others, while respectfully acknowledging and protecting the personal sovereignty of every individual's life choices.
The constant human drive to define and enforce "rightness" is the root of societal intolerance, creating conflict between those who conform, those who defy, and those who struggle. To escape this cycle, we must internalize the single, vital boundary: we must vehemently oppose persecution and harm against others, but we must withdraw our judgment from the personal struggles and unconventional paths that do not spill over into external injury. We must learn the profound humility of accepting that every individual's life, however strange or difficult, is their own unique reality, and it is not ours to control, criticize, or consume.
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