Map of Greater America

In a truly breathtaking display of geopolitical theater, Canadian officials have spent the last few weeks in D.C. performing what can only be described as a high-stakes remedial geography lesson for an administration that treats the 49th parallel like a "Suggested Cut Line" on a Map of Greater America. It is a absolute masterwork of comedic tragedy to watch our polite, poutine-fed bureaucrats use oversized, laminated diagrams and slow, rhythmic speech to explain the radical fringe theory that Canada is actually a sovereign nation and not just a giant, walk-in freezer for American resources. While the Trump administration eyes our fresh water like an unclaimed mini-bar and muses about Alberta being the 51st state, our response is to appoint a "Fentanyl Czar" and pray that a 10% "Freedom Surcharge" on our very existence will keep the "Liberation Day" tariffs at bay. It’s enough to make any self-respecting Canadian want to scream into the nearest snowdrift; we’re being treated like a subsidiary of the Trump Organization that forgot to pay its branding fees, while our "special relationship" has devolved into us desperately trying to remind a guy with a gold Sharpie that you can’t actually list the Great Lakes on Zillow.